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This may not apply to more modern and advanced communities, but in almost all parts of Africa…

Boys and men feel very free to express themselves emotionally, especially in words. Though with much hesitation at times, they still struggle with themselves and find the courage of walking up to a girl or woman and asking them out for a date or reciting phrases about love. In most cases, a boy or man’s peers will measure his strength and skills in the domain of dating by how fast he can create an acquaintance with the opposite sex, and how many girls or women he has dated so far. The above, to my humble opinion, is very misleading and greatly reduces the value of sexual relationships. However, that is not my point of concern in this post.

Here, it is not easy for a girl / woman to walk up to a boy / man and ask him out for a date or tell him “I love you”, “I will like to be part of your life…”. While a boy / man who constantly does that is considered a king amongst his peers, this same society will consider a girl / woman who does same to be very cheap, and at times, described by names as nasty as the word “prostitute”.

Like I said in the beginning, it might be less of a problem in the modern and advanced world, but in primitive and developing communities, it is considered some sort of a taboo for a woman to openly express emotions by making the first step towards a relationship. It is very common to see a girl / woman greatly in love, but dying in silence. She doesn’t want to “lose face” by letting people around her know she is “running after a man”, as the situation is frequently described.

In these “underdeveloped” communities, don’t women have rights to expose their emotions? Of course, they do. Why then are they being deprived of those rights? That is a question I really can’t find an answer for.

Most girls / women are however using personal efforts to fight against this. Most have realized that speaking is not the only way out. Most have developed very effective tactics they can use to ask a man out or say “I Love You”, without using words. “Action speaks louder than words”, yes, I have heard this popular phrase many times but we should not forget that although actions are louder, most people do not understand them. They will rather go for the words that are not so loud.

How does a girl / woman use action to say, “I love you”? They do everything possible to reveal themselves to the man they love. They try hard to let them know that they care about them; spending time with a man, finding out what his problems are, helping him find solutions, encouraging and boosting his morale when he feels a lost of esteem…

How effectively can actions replace words? Some women are very skilled in the art and in less than no time a man will feel wanted, and them make a move. Some men however are so “blind” that no matter what a woman does, they won’t “hear” anything. They won’t hear her when she speaks with action. Some men do understand actions of love, but they are not courageous enough to face it. This is true for the case of shy boys, or in a case where the social status of the woman is far greater than that of the man. Don’t you believe it will almost be impossible to the peasant’s son to hear the princess saying, “I love you”? Yes, of course.

Speaking to single women, especially the ones who are ready for not just a date but looking up to a more serious relationship like marriage, I won’t advice you to just sit on your hands and wait for anybody to come by. If I were you, and I think I have found Mr. Right, the whole world has the right to step out of my way. I am going for him, carrying along all the weapons of love and goodwill I possess. If my intentions are good, I won’t look back, and certainly I won’t fail.

How do you feel loving with your lips sealed?

Cute little Mary is just the kind of girl you have always prayed for. She has most of the qualities you will like in a daughter. Hard work, intelligence, obedience…You have always taught her many things, prepared her a good woman and wife in future. Amongst your lessons, you have made her understand there is “time for everything”. That “everything” includes love. There will come a time when it is absolutely right for her to engage into a sexual relationship. Most preferable, you will even like her first relationship to lead to marriage. You will not like her to lose her virginity before marriage; worst of all have a child out of wedlock.

Mary has been living well up to your expectation. Telling off the guys and men that she is not ready for a sexual relationship yet. For now, she is concerned with just her family and education. She has been very “lucky” until….baammmm!!! Comes Mr. Right, or at least someone she thinks is Mr. Right. She thinks this is the right time. She thinks she is ready for a relationship. Maybe she’s not, maybe she is. You are her mum or Dad. What do you think about this? “No, No, No…” that’s your answer. “She is not ready yet”.

This is very common. Most parents, especially mothers, usually feel threatened when their daughter falls in love for the first time. I am not a mother, so I don’t know exactly how it feels, but to my opinion, they either feel it is not a safe time for the child yet, or that they will just miss her commitment to the family. Let’s try to consider these from a mother’s point of view.

In most cases, the guy will be older. This makes you look at the girl as relatively young and inexperienced. You will bet over your life that the boy is not in for the first time.

• The girl, being inexperienced in sexual affairs (since it is her first time) is bound to be the looser when things go bad. Believe me, a majority of first relationships go bad.
• The girl might be taken away by her first love and become less committed at home. At times, she will abandon house chores to go and spend time with him.
• The boy’s academic and socio-economic background may be completely different from that of the girl. This calls for concern, but most mothers fail to understand that love does not depend on that.
• A mother may be afraid and uncertain about the boy’s moral conduct. Does he drink, smoke or drive recklessly? Does he hang out with gang members?
• I believe there are tons of problems in this domain, but this is all I can really think of as being the main ones.

In some cultures, sexual relationships before marriage are completely out of questions. Girls are expected to walk into their matrimonial homes are virgins. In such cultures, a mother doesn’t worry much about the safety of her child since she knows that anybody coming close is prepared for a wedding. Such cultural practices are so severe that boys are punished for not keeping a marital promise.

They say, “love is blind”, yeah, that’s true. Will you, a mother, try to take away your child’s joy because you feel it is not safe yet? Yes, of course, her safety is your right. But what we fail to understand is that love is so complicated that it is almost impossible to control someone against it. I for one, will recommend a mother to advice her female child, but not wage war upon her if she refuses to abide to her point.

The majority of people in your family believe there is “time for everything”. Yeah, as far as I know, they are right. They wouldn’t love you to start a relationship with thee opposite sex when you are not yet matured (morally, physically or psychologically). Depending on your background or culture, your parents and elder brothers and sisters may not want you to engage in a sexual relationship before the age of 18 or 21. Some parents have very effective ways of making you see things clearly. Some may just be dictators and pass on a memorandum on how things should be. I don’t thing the way they present the subject matters. More important is the subject that is being presented. If you look at things with a clouded judgment, you will never get the right solution.

You have never been in love. This is your first time. You may be acting on your own accord, thinking you are ready, OR it may just be peer pressure, that is from friends or schoolmates. Maybe you just feel it is time to “measure up to others”. Love is a treasure and not just a yardstick to measure you up to others. It is a treasure and has to be valued at such. If you are not yet ready, that doesn’t make you inferior to your mates who are (or have decided to be).

At first, your parents may not want your first love (even when they know you are ready). They may be jealous (Please permit me use this word and don’t give it a negative impression yet) seeing someone coming to take control over what has entirely been theirs for a long time. They may feel that your attention may become divided and you will no longer exercise your full potentials at home. In some cultures, parents maybe concerned with virginity. A lot of respect is attached to it a a parent sees a lot of loss when a female child loses it

Ask a man out there “what are the characteristics of a woman?”, and you will be very shocked by the answers he will give you. These may be general and maybe true but while reading, especially if you are a woman, always try to look more on the positive than the negative side of the coin.

1. Women are physically weak: this gives men the upper hand. That is why you can find a man battering his spouse without even when he is wrong.
2. Women are hardworking: that is even the reason why men go more and more lazy everyday. Is very common to find a man who can’t even take off his shoes and trousers prior to a bath and will call for woman to do it for him.
3. Women are very passionate, affectionate, loving and caring: Men think this gives them the advantage of always going off track. They don’t care about themselves because they know a woman will always be there to clear their mess and clean up their dirty tracks. They even go ahead to hurt women any way they want, knowing that at the end, to make peace, a woman will come back to plead guilty.
4. Women are second in command: the issue of women empowerment is gradually gaining grounds, but the fact that the woman in still second in the family remains. A man will always hold the position as “head of the family” and as such, demonstrates all possible signs of dictatorship. He takes decisions and cares less if they favor the woman also or not. Pride won’t let them listen to a woman, even when they know she is right.
5. Women are very intelligent: Are you a student? Do you belong to an Organization or work in an office? Try to carry out some statistics on the people who contribute more in your group, and I bet you, averagely, the women will always beat the men. This gives the men a reason of always allowing the woman solve the puzzles. They, at times, don’t care how the children are being fed or educated. All they know is that they have a mother and she can make impossible things possible.
6. Women demand a lot of attention: I don’t know if I am presenting this point the right way, but just look at it this way. If a man and a woman who truly love each other are living miles apart, who do you think will spend more sleepless nights thinking of the other? Who do you think will always want to make the “Good Morning Call”? Who do you think will silently cry under the sheets at night when the lights go off? I won’t believe you if your answer is different from mine. In a majority of cases, the woman is the one who misses the man more. Some men will use this as a means of punishment for the woman any time they feel like maltreating her. Just refusing to eat, or staying out late can set a woman crying.

Talking to Men

I don’t see anything wrong with the characteristics I have mentioned above. I use them to evaluate and praise a woman. If a woman is lacking in any of the above characteristics, I find something missing in her instead. I don’t take any as an advantage I have over a woman. The world is getting more and more civilized and I think we should change the way we feel towards women.

According to the Christian religion, God made a man first. He saw that man was lonely and unhappy. He then removed a rib from man and made a woman to play the role of being a companion to man. If you don’t value a woman, what else on this planet do you value? If you don’t and never ever want to value a woman, do it for the sake of your mother. Your mother, is/was a woman and a “second” God to you…even if she was never there for you.

Do women also take advantage over men? If “Yes”, How?